Somewhere, on the journey, I created this illusion that my feelings where always connected to my relationships. I guess it surfaced because relationships tend to bring up feelings, but as I grow older, I am becoming more aware that it is more of my inner being that tends to fuels these revelations. Past experiences can taint the picture, so to speak. Lately, I have experienced moments where I lash out at the person who didn’t bother to use a turn signal or the customer service person whose attitude is less than polite. I have prided myself on setting the tone for any given situation, but things have shifted. People, in general, annoy me. So, the real question is why?
Well, after a lot of meditation, journal writing, and reflection, I came up with …..nothing. After a meeting with my spiritual counselor, the light came on and I was able to identify the source. It is fear. Fear of things being out of control, fear of the unknown….F E A R. Duh, it makes sense. Figuring that the last few weeks have been a transition for both of the boys which is joyful and sad, all at the same time. Plus, relationships changing. Relationships that have been an important part of my life, that no longer serve a purpose. So, the question was asked, how have you comforted your inner child? Oh, yeah, right, I forgot that deep inside of me, lives a little girl, who can easily be frightened. That frightened feeling results in sideways anger instead of a rational, more productive outlet. Now, as you read this, you may give me an eye-roll or possible question my sanity, but the moment I acknowledged my inner child, peace blanketed me. My inner child is afraid of change, scared of making people uncomfortable, and most of all, exhausted. It has been a rough year, but the more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I get making decisions with my own best interests at heart. After all, I am the source of my own happiness.