Back to Square One

Well, my practice at being human is continuing with a lack of gracefulness.   After I sent my email to the person in question, I felt relieved, almost free.   Then, it happened……my phone rang with said person calling.    My head rattled with the impending apology.   In my head, I am giving myself a helpful pep talk, which on a regular day, is a very, bad neighborhood.   The person on the other end makes small talk and, while I wait patiently, all five seconds, I ponce with the ever popular, “Did you get my email?”.    The moment that I heard “what email”, I think I blacked out a little.    The best response to really make me breath fire was “you know I never check that email.”.  No, actually I didn’t, but thanks for letting me know.   So, what I didn’t want to happen, happened and I vomited, what I had painstakingly and diplomatically wrote except it wasn’t diplomatic and not very kind either.

So, there you have it…..being human at the most basic level.  I was a snarling dog not ready to let go of the bone.    Interestingly enough, when asked why they couldn’t just apologize, their response was that they were trying to forget about being such an ass.    Well, that was honest, except while they were in living in the land of “that never happened”, I was living in the obsessive land of “I can’t believe that happened”.    For me, needing an apology to right the wrong that I was feeling, created more drama than the whole situation warranted.

What I learned is that I am my own worst enemy.  I can become a victim with the humility of a Kardashian.   While not my finest moment, it was a teachable moment for me.    The exchange left me quiet, which is unusual, seasoned with some insight……..I am a work in progress that needs a lot of TLC.     Berating myself for my overzealous appetite for an apology isn’t going to help me grow, instead, I dug deep to understand my insanity.   What I found was basic psychology…..I wanted this person to validate me, to acknowledge that their perception of my actions were wrong, and, most importantly, that they are sorry they hurt me.   Guess what?   I really don’t need the validation from anyone.  I know the truth.

Today, all is well and all is forgiven.    The most important person I forgave was myself.    Sometimes the best lessons are the ones most difficult to understand.

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