As I approach the three week mark of having my surgery, I realize that I am frustrated. Frustrated that even the most basic task is painful. Frustrated that I am not farther along in my recovery. This morning after going to Kroger, I let my emotions be released. If I could have gotten on my knees to pray, I would have, which made me cry harder. I simply wasn’t prepared. I went in for a meniscus repair and came out without a meniscus. A totally different surgery and my recovery is lacking the progress I desire.
Right now, I am emotionally raw. I have the tools. I know how I would tell someone else to proceed. I would encourage patience, lots of prayer, and the continued quest to ask for help, but I am at a standstill. Today, I have lost the motivation to fight. Don’t get me wrong, this is small moment that I know will pass, but I need to feel it. I need to absorb it, accept it, and then move forward. This doesn’t mean I like the current circumstances, it just means that I am not going to be able to heal, if I don’t acknowledge that right now the struggle is real.
Physical pain bleeds into my spiritual and mental realm. It spreads like a cancer and eats up any visions of hope. I know that this will pass. I know that tomorrow, I may feel differently. For today, I just want my life back to the way it was. Yes, I believe time heals and my lack of patience is beginning to hinder my process. I also know that it is okay to wallow as long as I don’t linger and that a good cry can create healing. Today, I am going to allow myself to feel and know that God has got this, I just need to trust the process.