The Struggle

As I approach the three week mark of having my surgery, I realize that I am frustrated.  Frustrated that even the most basic task is painful.    Frustrated that I am not farther along in my recovery.    This morning after going to Kroger, I let my emotions be released.  If I could have gotten on my knees to pray, I would have, which made me cry harder.    I simply wasn’t prepared.  I went in for a meniscus repair and came out without a meniscus.   A totally different surgery and my recovery is lacking the progress I desire.

Right now, I am emotionally raw.  I have the tools. I know how I would tell someone else to proceed.   I would encourage patience, lots of prayer, and the continued quest to ask for help, but I am at a standstill.    Today, I have lost the motivation to fight.   Don’t get me wrong, this is small moment that I know will pass, but I need to feel it.  I need to absorb it, accept it, and then move forward.   This doesn’t mean I like the current circumstances, it just means that I am not going to be able to heal, if I don’t acknowledge that right now the struggle is real.

Physical pain bleeds into my spiritual and mental realm.    It spreads like a cancer and eats up any visions of hope.    I know that this will pass.  I know that tomorrow, I may feel differently.    For today, I just want my life back to the way it was.   Yes, I believe time heals and my lack of patience is beginning to hinder my process.   I also know that it is okay to wallow as long as I don’t linger and that a good cry can create healing.    Today, I am going to allow myself to feel and know that God has got this, I just need to trust the process.

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