I am not going to lie. This recovery process isn’t for the faint of heart. Yesterday, I had a complete breakdown. Before I continue, I am not asking for sympathy or suggestions on how to proceed, I am merely sharing my truth. I no longer wish to live behind a mask of distorted facades. The physical pain is doable. It is the emotional component that I wasn’t prepared for and the consequences that come with it.
There are a lot of feelings stirring within that have possibly been residing there for a while, but just needed that vulnerability factor to allow them to rise to the surface. The amount of tears I shed yesterday matched the waterworks that emptied my eyes when my Dad died. My only hypothesis is that with all the time I have to be still, the reevaluating of my life is in 3D. Don’t get me wrong, I love every aspect of my life, but there are areas that need tending to – blank canvases that have been neglected. I am realizing that my potential isn’t being met in terms of my craft and that it is entirely possible that this moment of quiet is my opportunity to explore what I want to do about it.
Also, I have stated earlier, sitting on the sidelines of life truly sucks. As a writer, I really should find a better word than sucks, but that seems to be the only qualified descriptor. I have spent the last two days trying to be present for my kids with various activities. It was too much physically, then I hit the wall emotionally. Yesterday, my youngest lied to me, which by the way, doesn’t happen. The kid is an awful liar, so the fact that he pulled it off shattered me. It wasn’t a big lie, but his reasoning was he knew I wasn’t in a good place and he didn’t want to hear my very vocal opinion. If that isn’t humbling and heartbreaking all at the same time, I don’t know what is.
So, I am learning, growing, bitching, complaining, healing, and most of all trying to remain positive and humble. Such a tall order, but I believe God gives me these pockets of uncertainty to allow me to evaluate, tweak, and hopefully, move on to a better place. So many blessings have been bestowed on me throughout the last 19 days, it always amazes me that I have the knack of focusing on the few things that haven’t exactly put a smile on my face. The mantra for the day is “easy does it” and knowing that there is a whole lot more right with me than wrong.