Solid Ground

Last night sleep escaped me.  It was as if I was the stalker and it took out a restraining order on me.  I was unable to get within 200 feet of it.    As I tossed and turned, my brain resembled a corn maze – searching for the exit, but always falling short.   When I have these nights of sleep taking a hiatus, I know I should get up and write.  That is what my soul is telling me…..begging me, but I abstained from taking that action.

One of the things I am grappling with is whether to react or take action.  Since seeking a spiritual solution almost 15 years ago, I have learned that actions and reactions have to be thought out, paused, and possibly, skipped.    A recovering “reactionholic” – new word I created that means “every situation sought an over the top reaction full of drama”.   I still have my moments where a reaction takes me hostage.

Yesterday, I had a situation where action was requested and my reaction was annoyance.   What I know today is that neither is required.   I can take my time in responding to the request or I can simply not participate.   It is my choice.    Choices are good.  As a recovering people pleaser, I wasn’t aware of the concept.   I conformed to fit their mold.  It was easier than to fight for what I wanted because, well, at that time I didn’t know enough about me to tell anyone what I wanted.

I don’t want to be categorized or labeled as if I were part of a catalog.  I don’t want to be boxed into a decision that makes me uncomfortable.   I definitely don’t want to be defined by someone’s else distorted perception of me or a situation that involves me.  It is complicated, twisted, and tangled, but allowing myself the dignity of time to either engage or let go brings me peace.

 

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