Survivor

Well I survived.   I survived Christmas with no amends needed and a great deal of serenity left.  Honestly, the holidays for me look very different from what they used to represent.  It really is just a change of landscape and a few central characters with a willingness from me to accept everyone for exactly who they are.   I can’t change anyone, but what I have seen first hand is if I am different, then the dynamic changes.

I am overly reflective this time of the year.  It is a measuring stick for me to see my progress.    The process of my evolution requires me to periodically check in to monitor the situation.   Slipping back to old behavior is simply not a choice I am willing to make.   You see, walking through the development of a special needs child along with spending the first ten years of marriage dealing with active alcoholism made me a loon.   Literally drunk from emotional chaos, I didn’t have the tools to relate on a honest, healthy scale.

So, when I am thoughtfully running through the past year, I realize how different I am.  I realize that those two pivotal episodes allowed me to do something different.   They actually begged me to and while it gives me cold chills to think about my life had I not taken that leap of faith, it was grace that allowed me to look in the mirror and begin unfolding the best version of me.

Everyone has those life-altering moments.   It is what you choose to do with them that makes the difference.  You see, the common denominator was always me, so blaming everyone else for my misery was futile.   For me, it was a shift in perception partnered with feeling miserable.  I think being miserable and annoying even myself was the bottom I needed in order to change.    Having gratitude for even the shit storms of life can turn the darkness into light.

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