I pride myself on being less reactive these days. Learning to pause when agitated and sometimes simply walking away can help dissolve any harsh outburst that may want to spill out. Funny, yesterday, that sentiment went flying out the window when I became Medusa mixed with a sprinkle of that chick from the Exorcist minus the vomit.
Let me set the stage. My husband’s family’s genetics map looks like a five star shit show (I really love that phrase). It combines diabetes, heart disease, alcoholism, depression, thyroid issues, well, I am sure there is more, but I think that sums it up nicely. My husband acquired all those listed above minus the thyroid issues (but that could change). Since Bailey has Down syndrome coupled with his own thyroid issues, I am always aware of his food intake as they tend to struggle with weight issues as well. We are currently tweaking his eating habits and I am mindful that he too, could inherit the diabetes factor. I am being cautious and extremely proactive.
Last week, Brian and I discussed that he might be a better role model food wise. You have to understand that any addict – alcohol or otherwise – does EVERYTHING to excess, so this is where Brian struggles the most. He agreed and that was the end of it, until yesterday.
I sent Brian to Costco with a list. Ladies, you know where this is going, right? He comes home with two things not on the list – Captain Crunch and a large bag of potato chips. I saw the potato chips and that is when my Medusa/Exorcist persona emerged. I think I might have blacked out during the unleashing of some colorful language, but I do remember him saying to me….”Everything can be done in moderation.” Okay, let me just say that Brian or anyone with an addictive personality does not know the meaning of moderation. It is either all or nothing. No in-between. I left. I went to my “happy place” aka my writing studio to process my recovering alcoholic who binge watches shows, plays hours worth of video games, and eats like there is an ongoing buffet in our home, preach to me about moderation. This, my friends, was not my finest hour.
In my spiritual recovery program, part of it encourages me to make a prompt amends when I am wrong. But, I wasn’t feeling overly sorry and my promptly quickly extended to eventually. It is hard for me to admit that I am completely powerless. And while, Brian doesn’t agree with my sentiment, I need to let everyone make their own decisions…..even if I don’t like them. However, my proudest moment came when Bailey informed me that he opted for fruit for his side at lunch. Maybe Medusa/Exorcist chick did some good yesterday. Well, who I am kidding, I was scary as hell.
Today is another day, so maybe, just maybe, I will get my shit together and be the person that I was intended to be which is simply a delightful example of being a perfectly imperfect human without the Medusa/Exorcist chick on board.