This week has been, well, interesting. It has been full of surprises….not the good kind…. physical and emotional unrest, plus a splash of realizations. It is the combination of life on life’s terms mixed in with being comfortable with discomfort.
I realize that I am not having some “ah-ha” awakening and that sometimes life isn’t always a box of chocolates. (That is really an awful analogy because so many of those boxes of chocolates have those gross fillings.) I digress. While the events were really not about me, there was a layer of sadness with each and every one of them.
There has been a lot of death recently. Very unsettling as many were sudden. There was the installation of a boundary with someone I love which always blankets me with anxiety. Plus, as I was picking up Bailey from work, I had that feeling of “this is my life”. I get those feeling every once in while. Life is just a different landscape when you have someone with special needs. He will always need a driver. He will always need assistance. He will always need me.
Now before you kind readers chime in with your well-meaning “you’re the best mom for him”, or “you’re doing a great job”, please don’t. That isn’t why I am sharing this tidbit of information. I am sharing it for all of us who are living life in a different book. The book that is written in a foreign language and is only understood if you actually speak it. I am also not looking for pity.
Life is full of challenges. When I can see those obstacles as opportunities that I can work with, then my perspective shifts. Unfortunately, I have those days where I think about what it would be like if Bailey didn’t have Down syndrome. How different the landscape would look. But, I always bring it back to the present knowing the impact that he has had on my life. How he makes me see the world through eyes of tolerance instead of my sometimes pessimistic view. I embrace those fleeting feelings like an injured child knowing that the pain will pass. Remembering that those feelings – no matter how intense – aren’t powerful enough to distort my outlook. Just another ingredient to add to the mixture of emotions that reside within me.