Game Changer

With four weeks of tweaking my body image, I am still not in a place where I feel like I have uncovered the secret to not looking like a square.  Seriously, when they label body types – round, pear, apple, – I simply fall into the category of a square.  No definition.  While I still am waiting for the image portion to catch up, I am feeling energetic.  My sleep pattern has improved and I no longer question whether I am working out or not.  Working out has now officially become a habit.  That is a non scale victory.   So while I am cautiously getting comfortable with doing things differently and being willing to try new ways of improving the weight issue, I get an invitation to do something that makes me uncomfortable.

As a writer, I adore being behind my screen lavishing my readers with my sarcastic and hopefully, life-altering thoughts.    The invitation I received was to be a part of a photo shoot to celebrate the one year anniversary of a magazine that I sometimes contribute to.  The gist is gathering all those individuals who have helped facilitate the success.   The shoot would be for the cover of the holiday issue and it is suggested that you come dressed in your best holiday cocktail attire.    Sigh………  Of course, when I read the invite, my head was screaming, “Bitch, say no!”.  Saying no is safe.  It doesn’t require anything of me.   In other words, it prohibits me from taking a risk.  I am uncomfortable in front of the camera.   My square figure no longer fits into the clothes I would like to wear.   Aside from the fact that my “holiday cocktail attire” is limited to sweatpants, I am stressed about the outfit.    So, when my finger pressed “yes”, my head screamed, “What the hell are you doing?”   Yep, my head and finger are not speaking right now.   Something happened at that moment.   I said yes to challenge myself to get out of my head.   To stop listening to those voices that say, “You don’t belong there,”.

Once I committed, then I freaked out a little bit.   When I shared this with a friend, she instantly volunteered to style me.  She has impeccable taste, so I said “yes” to that too.  See, that makes me uncomfortable as well, but I embraced it.   Slowly, I am crawling out of the shadow that dictates my self-worth via my weight.    I won’t lie.  This is really testing me, but I have stuck with it for four weeks which means I am committed to seeing this through.   But, risk is not without challenges and if I said “no” to everything that scares the shit out of me, well, then I would never experience, learn, grow, or expand my life.    I don’t want to simply be the same.   I don’t want to simply make excuses because I am fearful.    Life is meant to be experienced not watched.  This is not a sedentary practice.    So, I plan on being the best looking square in the picture thanks to my finger knowing what was best for me and silencing the thoughts in my head.

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