Complication

I am complicated.  Truly, sometimes I can’t even figure out what is going on between the layers.   Yesterday, in a whirlwind event, Brian traded in his twelve year old car.  Actually, it was mine first.   This beautiful van that holds images of memories.   I wasn’t prepared.   But, when dealing with my spouse, I should expect the unexpected.

He went to the dealership after doing a ton of research.   The van had reached its aging point.  Heat had gone out and things were starting to breakdown.  It was time and Brian deserves a new car.  What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional component attached to saying goodbye to this twelve year old vehicle.

We bought the van a few weeks after Bryce started kindergarten.    It transported my Dad for his last Thanksgiving a few months after the purchase.   It drove us to the funeral home after he died.   There have been countless excursions from trips to the beach to school functions.   I have participated in contemplative conversations with friends while sitting in the carpool line.    I transported a variety of kids and felt, at some point, if I had a bathroom in it, it would be the perfect ride.  While I hadn’t actively driven it in a couple of years, it was a comfort to see it in the driveway.   It was a box of memories.

So, when Brian came rolling in with his new car, I found myself unhappy.   In fact, I sucked the joy right out of the experience.  At first, the little green eyed monster had perched itself on my shoulder.  But then, as I talked about it with someone else, I realized that jealousy was really a mask for grief.   That van represented the boy’s childhood to a degree.  With Bryce on the cusp of moving on to college, this just took a little jab to my heart.

So, I owned my initial behavior.  I apologized to my spouse who has worked hard to be able to purchase his new ride, for my lack of enthusiasm.  In my head, I know the van was just a means of transportation, but my heart holds a tremendous gratitude for keeping us safe, comfortable, and above all, for the memories.

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