Unprepared

They say that when you are on the verge of death, the movie of your life plays, allowing you to relive those significant moments.   I wasn’t prepared to experience the movie reel of all the moments with Bryce today as we watched him transition to a new adventure.   I know he is ready.   I know that I am ready.  But then there is this lingering feeling of loss as he moves to make his mark in the world.

My movie reel was detailed, colorful, and reminded me that each moment is precious, significant and defining.    Then my whole body reverberated with a feeling of accomplishment.  I got to be this amazing human being’s mother.   This child, by the way, out of 283 students was one of five with perfect attendance for all four years.   That, in itself, is impressive.   He continues to teach me.

But this is the moment of letting go.  Of celebrating his accomplishment and knowing that he is ready to create an amazing life.  And then there is the sadness that my Dad wasn’t here to see this.   I felt a heaviness of grief that I haven’t experienced in a while.  In his place, my Uncle, his younger brother sat next to me and whispered, “Your Dad would be so proud.”

So, it is done.  In the blink of an eye, we are out of high school and headed to college.  My role is changing.  It will be an adjustment, but I also look at this as a victory.  We gave him a foundation and he has worked the last four years to build on that.  He had the help of an amazing school with a supportive staff that assisted with molding him into this incredible being.   He is ready.   Hopefully I will be ready at some point, but right now, I am relishing in the moments that we still have him with us.  And come July, when he leaves the sanctuary of our home, I will celebrate his new journey.   But, after he leaves, I may curl up in the fetal position and give myself a little grace in processing the change.

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