Ugly Cry

Okay, so I think that maybe the worst part of sending a kid to college might be the anticipation of the departure.   Last night, we went to dinner to celebrate Bryce after I watched him load his car with necessities for the next three weeks.   I did a wonderful job as we had our family dinner of keeping it light until we got home where I proceeded to cry – not ugly cry as that will probably happen throughout the day – while I grabbed on to him.   He was kind enough to stand still or maybe I was holding him hostage.  Either way, my efforts of keeping my shit together was a big fail.

I appreciate all the moms who have gone before me giving me reassurance that this too shall pass.   That the feeling of loss will heal itself and I will adjust.  For now, I am simply terrified.  What if he doesn’t make any friends?  What if he hates it there?  What if he ends up coming home and living with us well into his thirties?  I can and have been making myself insane by dancing with the thoughts that are running like a marquee through my head.    This is the part that I hate.   Embracing the discomfort.   With anything, it is the only way to get to the other side.

As he is getting ready to walk out the door this morning, I am prepping myself for his car leaving the driveway pointing toward his new adventure.   I am aiming to be the “cool” mom who says all the right things, lifts him up with inspiring words, and sends him out into the world full of confidence.  I am willing myself to not ugly, snot cry all over his shirt.   Of course, that is a ridiculous.  The moment he hugs me, I can barely utter anything but, “I love you” which you can barely understand through the heaving and uncontrollable sobbing.

So, he has departed and made it to his destination safely.   I am left here to get used to our new normal.   Life is really just a series of adjustments layered in emotion.   Are we all going to be okay?  Yes.   Will I stop crying? Eventually.   Will I squeeze him so hard with my hug the next time I see him? Most definitely.   My landscape has changed, but that doesn’t mean it is less colorful.  It simply means it is expanding.

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