Censored

There are so many areas of my life where I feel censored.  Walking on eggshells as not to disrupt the flow.   For example, using profanity in my blog has Facebook suggesting I change the wording in order to boost my post.  Boosting allows me to reach a larger audience which is connected to Pinterest and Instagram.  This has been an excellent way to improve my readership, but when I change my dialogue, it loses its fire.  It is all about being compliant.  Shit.   Guess this blog won’t be boosted.

And it isn’t just my blogs that can be censored, but sometimes my life moments can be as well.   We are headed to Bowling Green this weekend as both of my boys are the headliners.  Bailey will be playing in the Special Olympics State softball tournament while Bryce has his debut as a student athletic trainer for WKU’s first home football game.  It is all very exciting except for one thing……Bryce’s continuing struggle in his relationship with his brother.   I have written a few blogs about Bryce’s aversion to the amount of attention that Bailey receives because of his disability.  It isn’t something that can be controlled and we have had several discussions about it.  I have also stated that while I empathize with his feelings, I won’t take anything away from Bailey simply because he is uncomfortable.   So, this weekend, Bryce says he might not be able to come to any of Bailey’s games due to his schedule.  That might be true or he might be an asshole.  I am censored.  I can’t control how my children feel.  I can’t make Bryce see what he is missing out on by not cultivating a relationship with his brother.  What I can do is simply focus on myself.  Sure, I have tons of feelings, opinions, and suggestions for him, but nobody asked me.   The reality is that we might only see Bryce when he is on the field during the football game or he might surprise me.  My expectations are extremely realistic in this case.

Being censored doesn’t mean that I can’t have thoughts or feelings on the subject.  It simply translates in my ability to not vomit my discomfort on someone else.   Navigating it so that I can love people where they are instead of trying to change them to make me feel better.   The reality is that I get to see my boys shine this weekend.  The rest will work itself out in God’s timing, not mine.

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