Unknowingly, I have slipped into some sort of abyss. Actually, being truly honest, I probably was aware of the slow immersion, but most recently have felt as if I were in some sort of quicksand. This is the journey of finding myself. At 51, I am trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Yesterday, I berated myself as I wallowed a bit in my situation. You see, I have a great life. Sure, there are pockets of challenges that I am learning to blend with, but there is a hole that I am trying to figure out how to fill. Writing is the center of it. I can write a blog and I can generate my freelance assignments, but when it comes to churning out my vision of a novel, I literally freeze. There are three novels-in-progress. Three!!! I get involved with one and then I stop. Months later, I decide I have a better idea. I proceed with that and end up in the same predicament. So, for the last few months, I have been binge reading. Yes, I say I am doing research, and that might be partially true, but the reality is I am avoiding. I promise myself the next day will be different. Funny, how we can tell ourselves a story that seems believable when, in fact, it is a lie.
I think we all can get into that rut of avoidance. My ego says that by avoiding, I don’t fail. I think that is the cherry on top of my avoidance sundae. But, failing allows me to learn and my stubborn streak is apparently on a learning hiatus. Life is here to be lived and experienced. Making excuses, escaping the reality of my dilemma, and promising a different tomorrow isn’t the legacy I wish to leave.
Today, I am doing something different. I got up and brought my laptop, coffee and a sense of purpose to my cozy writing studio. I pledged to write for a solid two hours in an effort to start a new habit that will hopefully lift me out of the quicksand. Sure, it won’t immediately release me from the funk that has held me hostage, but I think with all the change (kid leaving for college), I am finally annoyed enough with myself that I am willing to do something about it. That is the first step towards fulfilling the hole that lingers. This blog is my accountability partner and by putting my words out into the universe, I can no longer be my own unreliable source.