Never Alone

I no longer wear a mask. When a friend asked me how I was doing, I was able to say, “I am not sure” instead of the standard “fine”. In fact, the word “fine” is a flatliner. There is no emotion attached to it. I prefer, “great”, “good” or “wonderful” to describe my current mood, but only if it is an honest assessment. Yesterday, “I am not sure” seemed to cover my bases. Today, I don’t sugar coat my emotions. I am not Willy Wonka.

I love that I no longer live my life with the condition that I have to be alright all of the time. That I allow myself to accept the discomfort that I am in with the awareness that it will pass. There is a trust violation that I am examining at this time and it is really causing me to use some restraint. I am pausing instead of reacting. I am utilizing other people to reason it out and allowing the situation to unfold organically. Holy smokes, I am wearing my big girl panties and truly acting like a mature adult instead of screaming toddler. Okay, there might be a screaming toddler inside, but I am doing my best to not allow those emotions to seep out and consume me.

My now 19 year old came home yesterday from school to celebrate his birthday. We were talking and I was telling him about this situation. He said, “I’ve got your back, Mom,”. Sometimes when I am in a state of an emotional tornado, I forget that I have people in my corner. That I am not doing this life thing alone. But, I have to include those people. I have to communicate my needs because they aren’t mind readers. And when I go through the motions, not wanting to bother anyone with my stuff, that is when I get into trouble.

Today, I have on a new set of glasses. I can see the situation with a level of compassion. I don’t know how it will workout once the dust settles. But I know it will work out. Today, when someone asks me how I am, I can honestly say, “good”. The beauty of a new day brings a fresh perspective. Thank goodness I am able to enjoy the view.

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