The Mating Call

My family arrived home around 6 pm last night. I was glad they arrived safely and knew that my spouse would be hitting a wall soon since he drove the entire way. We enjoyed dinner together and then they resumed unloading the car while I settled in to read yet another book. Later, my spouse came to bed looking like he was he asleep on his feet. He situated himself, as I inquired if he would be using his sleep apnea machine. The resounding “no” alarmed me, but I thought that my white noise machine would easily drown out the thunderous snores that he produces. I was wrong.

As I continued to read my book, the sounds that my husband was emulating could only be described as a desperate elephant mating call. This wasn’t the average “Hey, ladies! I’m an attractive elephant who is currently looking for company”. Nope. This was the “I am lonely and apparently no other elephant finds me appealing”. As my own eyelids became heavy, I turned on my white noise machine at the highest volume offered. It was no match for the continued “dainty” snores coming from my husband. I even put in my ear buds to listen to my white noise app. Double the white noise, and I could still hear him. I was fighting an uphill battle.

Subtly is not my strong suit, so I opted to nudge him, yell “stop snoring”, and I even dug into my bitch bag to utilize some passive/aggressive comments that were futile. He didn’t budge. So, since nothing was working in my favor, I reluctantly moved myself to the guest room. I did leave my white noise machine on at full volume as his thunderous sounds seem to follow me like an unwanted stalker. Once I settled in, I was forced to resort to my white noise app on my phone to drown out not just the snoring, but the loud television sounds from downstairs. Bailey likes to turn up the volume of the television, so that he can still hear it while listening to music on his headphones. I miss the quiet.

Today, I am going to kindly tell my husband that in the future, I would appreciate the use of his sleep apnea machine at all times. That I felt it was inconsiderate of him to not use the guest room if he was too tired to put his machine back together. Perhaps, I will investigate on how to put said machine back together after a trip, so that when he is tired, this won’t be an issue. Or, perhaps, I will smother him with a pillow the next time it happens. I guess we will have to see how all of this unfolds.

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