When The Universe Gave Me The Finger

I am not sure why I feel that the universe is in a state of flipping me off. Perhaps, it is me. Life isn’t all bad. While my spouse is basking in the light of unemployment, my kitchen is getting a makeover. I mean, seriously, things could be worse. But yesterday, life felt, well, annoying.

I woke up prickly. There is no gauge to confirming my state. My uterus bought a one-way ticket to Aruba or wherever they go to celebrate retirement. So I can’t confirm or deny that my hormones could be driving the crazy train. There was a lot of activity going on, per usual, in the kitchen. My Farmhouse sink was put it (not installed as the counters have to still be made), giving me hope that the space will be catapulted into the 21st century. Its outdated look is currently resting in our yard waiting for trash pickup. This is all very good stuff, but I chose to focus on what drives me batty.

First, when the house is in HGTV chaos, the dogs are needy. The constant in and out to go to the bathroom, whining because things aren’t going their way, and their neediness reminds me of the days when I had toddlers. Christ on a cracker. In the meantime, I am trying to write in an atmosphere that isn’t conducive, but alas, my she-shed isn’t on the agenda because then who will care for the dogs? Brian is busy beautifying the kitchen and the girls love to potty in the house when they feel their needs aren’t being met. The joys of owning Bassets.

Just when I felt the prickle leave my body, the phone rings and it is my mother. I take a moment to invite God into the situation. Sometimes, I have to promise him stuff because even He is little wary.

“Hey, Mom.”

“I don’t have any heat.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, I can’t see the thermostat and cold air is blowing. Can you come over on your way to your meeting.”

Every Sunday I have meeting to attend which is close to my mother’s home. I agree to come over, praying that it is just a fluke. My theory was that she simply turned off the heat in an effort to raise the temperature. Keep in mind that her home is usual 500 degrees. It is like a sauna meets the desert and had babies. Once I get to her home, I am loving the temperature. It is comfortable. She is wrapped in fifteen layers of clothing telling me how cold it is. I look at the thermostat and see that currently, it is a reasonable 74 degrees. She had turned off the heat and has the AC set at 89. When I put the heat back on, it was set to come on when it is 41 degrees in the house. I readjust the heat. I take some big breaths and explain the situation to which she says she didn’t touch the temperature. After some prodding, she admitted she was trying to turn it up. Normally, she has it said to 78, but yesterday, she wanted it at 80. I told her to stop touching it to which she responded, “But I like it colder at night. How will do that?” Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing.

As I drove to my meeting, I thought about how refreshing a deserted island would be. Void of people and animals clamoring for my attention. My level of annoyance simmering while I enjoy the solitude. So, while that is not reality, maybe today I won’t be so prickly. Maybe today, the Bassets will feel compelled to give me a reprieve. Maybe my hormones will park the crazy train and go relax. Maybe my mother can stop touching the thermostat. And maybe, unicorns and glitter will fly out my ass, but we all know that won’t happen. I would be happy with just a quiet Monday. Uncomplicated. No chaos. Maybe the universe hasn’t put that request on backorder.

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