This platform is really just a cheap way for me to therapeutically release some of the emotional residue that lingers within me. Part of living an authentic life is being honest with myself. Let me just say, that sometimes justifying my behavior only exacerbates the problem.
My spouse has been on an employment hiatus for over three months. Not that I am looking at a calendar and marking off the days or anything that radical. I have been stewing. Annoyed that he isn’t working and that my space has been invaded. Feeling unsettled and hostile. But, yesterday, I had this revelation. I have been punishing him for something beyond his control. Well, crap. Between my passive/aggressive comments and my outright annoyance, I have created a toxic environment. It isn’t him. It is me. I am the problem. So what is the solution?
I think that I forget that forgiveness isn’t just something that I dole out to other people. Forgiving myself is the most treasured act of kindness that I can give to me. I am worthy of that. Yes, I am this twisted ray of sunshine that can be difficult, cranky, and a royal pain in the ass. The true learning experience evolves the moment that I have the awareness that I am taking myself and other people emotionally hostage. If I can’t be honest with myself, how can I present my authenticity to the outside world?
I also need to give myself a little credit. During this situation, I have not allowed myself to be deterred from my goals. I have continued to write and am close to the finish line on the first draft of my novel. I am focused on my health and continue to lose weight and inches. This is where my focus needs to be. Everything else with work itself out.