Void

I was in the midst of revisions when my phone rang yesterday morning. The caller ID revealed that it was the agency my mother’s caregiver works for. I am not psychic, but I was pretty confident that they were calling to inform me that the caregiver would not be coming to work. Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner! She returned on Wednesday from her ankle injury after being off a week, and made it two days. Supposedly, she is sick and while I am empathetic, I am also frustrated.

Friday mornings are spent meeting with a wonderful group of people who are able to embrace my humanness and allow me to simply reside in whatever emotional state I am experiencing. When I shared how my morning began, I was unprepared for the sea of emotion that followed once I opened my mouth. Tears, friends. Flowing freely as if they had been waiting to be released from captivity. Sure, I have been fifty shades of annoyed, but I didn’t realize that grief was a companion. I forget that it is well-versed in masking itself and that sometimes it is hard to identify.

It could be that it is Father’s Day weekend and the void in my heart is just as big as it was when my father died almost fourteen years ago. Maybe I am simply overwhelmed by the responsibility of dealing with an aging parent. I don’t do this alone by any stretch of the imagination. That is a gratitude. But, it doesn’t alleviate the mounting pressure that I feel internally.

I can remember a time when I craved being needed. When Brian was actively drinking. When my kids were starting to be more independent. I was afraid that if no one needed me, my part would be eliminated. It made me question my purpose. Like my value was calculated by another person’s needs. At this moment, I don’t want anyone to need me. My need is to be left alone. I am wondering when the universe will stop flipping me off and give me a reprieve.

I am certain that there is a lesson that God is allowing me the opportunity to learn. Honestly, I am kind of tired of His lesson plan. It is daunting. Tedious. And frankly, puts me in a bad mood. We are reevaluating the caregiver situation on Monday. Maybe she isn’t the right fit. Maybe the ideal person is still out there. I don’t have the answer. The beautiful thing is that I don’t have to. There is grace in the unknown. I just have to acquire patience. I wonder if I can buy that in bulk at Costco.

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