Mattress Gate

Well, I am sure that you all are losing sleep over whether the new air mattress has been successful. I am sure you all are assuming all is well since it has been radio silence. Maybe on your end. On mine, it is has the continuous sound of an air mattress pump. You see, my friends, the new addition has a hole in it. Christ. On. A. Cracker.

Let me back up by sharing that my delightful spouse, as we were disposing of the previous air mattress, decided to keep the pump. Why? I have no trucking (please insert the F-word that rhymes with truck for maximum emphasis) clue. My statement to him was, “Awesome! Now it can sit with all the other useless items that you wanted to save in our already cluttered garage.” I said it with a smile but my tone was sarcastic. I know you are shocked.

So, now the new one has a hole. He is insistent that he doesn’t have any idea how it got one, but I do. You see, the positioning of this “floor bed” is blocking the area that the cats use to do their business in private or to grab a bite to eat. Sure, they could walk around, and get in another way, but they are lazy. Plus, one of the cats enjoys resting there, and loves to get comfortable by kneading her paws, which has nails. Duh. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the issue.

I feel like I am in the movie “Groundhog Day”. The buzzing sound of the pump, my spouse using Crazy Glue (that’s a new one), and spraying Windex to identify the leak. It. Is. Insanity.

I asked him, “If you can’t fix the mattress, will you be keeping the pump?”

“Why would I do that? I don’t need it.”

“You didn’t need to save the first one, yet you did.” His response was to ignore me.

We are not purchasing another one. They can hang out on the couch and recliner that won’t let them down. Air Mattress 2. Brian and Bailey 0.

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