I Survived

Jesus. I feel like I haven’t written in eons. When, in fact, it has just been a week. For those of you who don’t know, the flu grabbed me, threw me into an unmarked van, and kept me hostage for about six days. Apparently, since I was such a good prisoner, I was released to recover from the effects of that hideous virus. You see, friends, the flu is the real epidemic, and, well, apparently, being a dumbass.

I resembled a rag doll most of last week only to rise from my bed to use the bathroom, which was a lot, if you catch my drift. Twelve pounds lost due to the beating from my captor, Influenza. If not for Tamilflu, I would probably still be under the control of the flu. In the midst of my demise, I was alerted to the hoarding situation due to the mass hysteria of the Coronavirus. Oh, Lord. I am baffled at the selection. I mean, if we are talking a doomsday scenario, I need some chocolate and alcohol. No offense to my family, but being quarantined together sounds dangerous. For them.

The reality is that you will run into a shortage of toilet paper before you get the Coronavirus. Yes, it has now reached the great state of Kentucky, even arriving in Louisville. The media has done an AMAZING (cue my sarcasm), job of adding to the hysteria. I prefer to get the facts from actual medical professionals. You know, the ones who have advanced degrees and deal with this shit everyday? When did we get to a place where police had to be called because of people fighting over toilet paper? Seriously.

Anyway, I just thought I would grace you all with my presence now that the flu has gone on to claim another victim. You know, since statistically, you have a higher chance of getting the flu than COVID-19. My only words of wisdom during this wide-spread panic is to wash your hands, be informed rather than acting all parnoid, and stop being assholes.

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