Willingness

I suppose that everyone would describe 2020 as a shit show. It’s like a reality show that we have come to expect the unexpected. In fact, we are no longer surprised at the insanity. My level of acceptance comes in a repetitive sentence that goes like this…”Oh, so this is what we are doing now”. And, while we are frustrated and exhausted from the constant chaos, there are lessons, goodness, and an abundance of growth potential that can be obtained, but only if there is willingness present.

For me, the lessons have been abundant. I have learned that despite what is going on around me, I can keep the focus on me. Fear didn’t paralyze me. I finished a book. I maintained my health initiative. I learned that despite the unknown variables, I can continue to move forward, take leaps of faith that scare the crap out of me, and cultivate those relationships that give me tremendous value. I became proficient in Zoom and learned that I would rather host meetings because it gave me the power to mute everyone.

The goodness I found was the time that my family was quarantined together. The circumstances sucked, but to have all my guys home was a blessing in disguise. Sure, the refrigerator was continually empty. The dishwasher was screaming from overuse. Oh, and we had to be quiet during certain times of the day due to Bryce’s Zoom classes. (Sometimes I forgot and I got the evil eye from my youngest.) But, it didn’t matter because we were together. This universal pause gave us that. And while, the outside world was spinning out of control, we simply focused on what we could do in our little corner of the planet.

This time has provided me with growth opportunities. I am not a fan because it forces me to get honest with myself. There is a level of discomfort with that, but it is a necessary step in moving forward. For me, there was a shift in my relationship with my mother. Instead of always being on the defensive, I really started to listen to her. The understanding that she is not going to change, so it is up to me to shift the dynamic. By me, setting the tone for our interactions, I have found so much peace. We have really good conversations. I hear her. I no longer dismiss her wanting to figure out where her items are going after she dies. I encourage her independence. I praise her when she accomplishes a task she didn’t think she could do. It isn’t perfect. There are glitches where I find myself frustrated with her, but we have healed past hurts during this time of pausing. In any relationship that I procure, my goal is to not have any regrets. That there are no words left to say. The slate is clean. Friends, that is a huge explosion of growth for me. If my mother left this world today, I would be at peace with our connection.

I could write a lot more about my experiences during 2020. It’s all about my perspective and my willingness to really look at me. It might look bleak on the outside, but my corner of the world continues to progress with a level of brightness that gives me a whole lot of hope.

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